


All the Works and Days of Hands

by HopefulNebula



Category: Firefly
Genre: Challenge: Firefly Big Bang, Character Study, Epistolary, Gen, Pre-Canon, Pre-Serenity, Telepathy, Unconventional Formatting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-10
Updated: 2009-12-10
Packaged: 2017-10-04 08:10:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HopefulNebula/pseuds/HopefulNebula
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Academy tries to teach River to fight. What she learns is to fight back. The time from River's acceptance letter to the end of Session 416, told from both River's perspective and the Academy's. Specific spoilers for <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AbDgEOR8H0E">The R. Tam Sessions</a>, general for the series and movie.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All the Works and Days of Hands

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my beta, faintdreams, for all her help - she's really been invaluable. Also, thank you to yvi for organizing this challenge and exor674 for all her support.
> 
> **Please note:** There are some elements in here that don't fall under the AO3's warnings list but may nonetheless be triggery for some people. The end notes go into more detail, so you can read more about them there if you so choose.
> 
> This takes a few lines from my earlier fic "[Paradoxical Reaction](http://archiveofourown.org/works/276608)," but they don't necessarily exist in the same 'verse (especially since PR got Jossed by one of the comics), and both fics exist independently of each other.

_We acquire the strength we have overcome._ \- Ralph Waldo Emerson

  


* * *

**March 30, 2515**

Dear Miss Tam:

We are pleased to inform you that your application to become part of our Academy has been accepted. You have made an excellent choice in seeking us out as allies in your quest to better yourself, and we expect our relationship with you to be mutually beneficial. We know you will go on to do great things.

A copy of your final admissions packet is attached to this message. Please read it carefully. Print it out, sign it and have your parents sign where appropriate. Once all the marked areas are signed, return the printed copy to us via courier or registered post as soon as possible.

Because we operate on a rotating admissions schedule, the earlier you return this information, the sooner you will be able to join us.

Congratulations once again on your acceptance to our Academy. We are looking forward to working with you!

* * *

All my life I've been told people are supposed to be nervous on the first day of school. It's never been that way for me. I've known how to talk to people longer than I've known how to talk, after all. Even when it's obvious that you know more than the teachers, you can learn a lot on the first day.

Something's different about today. I don't know exactly what it is yet. Maybe it's because this is the first school where I can't talk to Simon every day. Maybe it's because there are only two other new students this admissions cycle. There are so many variables here, and I don't know them all yet.

There's something I'm missing in all this. There's a needle in this haystack, and my eyes can't see it. I'll have to look for a magnet.

Enough now. I should stop worrying and enjoy my passage on this transport. This is going to be one big adventure, I know it. Like the games I play with Simon, but _real_.

* * *

**April 27, 2515**

Dear Simon,

Can you believe they hired a dance instructor just for me? It's not just dance, either - she knows this ancient practice from Earth-That-Was that's part dance, part martial art, part music and part game. I can't even spell it yet, and there are only a handful of people in the entire system who know it, and Miss Jhang is going to teach me how to do it!

You already know I arrived safely. We passed over the meridian before leaving Osiris, and I got to watch the evening spreading out against the sky like a patient etherized upon a table. (Do you remember that poem? It was in one of your old books, but I don't remember if you ever were assigned to read it.)

The first day has been fairly uneventful. Classes don't start for two more days because they want to give us time to adapt to the time difference. It's certainly considerate of them - all three of us in this group come from different planets. Jing is from the only Alliance school on Whitefall, and this is only the second time Marian's left Sihnon. The first was to visit this campus.

Tomorrow, we have meetings with the administrators and each of our teachers. Nothing should take too long - they just want to make sure we know our way around.

I love you so much, Simon! It's almost lights-out, but I promise to write again soon.

Love,

River

* * *

They want us to keep a regular diary here, outside of any regular homework. It's one of the best ways to cope with the stress of starting a new life experience, they said, and they would never in a million years let anybody else read what we write.

I trust that promise as much as I trust doctors who promise that "this won't hurt a bit." It makes sense that they'd track us. I of all people should know that _looking_ and _being_ are different, and they want to make sure we all are actually doing as well as we look.

Of course, not even unwritten secrets are impenetrable. Jing doesn't think I know how afraid she is of being away from her home, and I'm not going to tell her that I do. If there's one thing I've learned in Gen Ed, it's that there are certain things you don't want people to know.

So I'll write the diary. On paper, to help it stay private. But just in case they want to know my secrets, they'll have to work harder than that to get them.

* * *

**April 29, 2515**

**Diary entry: R. Tam**

First classes today. Physics and history. It's so strange, only having two classes each day, but what's even stranger is that the two of them challenged me more than a full day's worth of Gen Ed classes. I may actually have to study here!

I hope tomorrow is as fulfilling. I'm really looking forward to dance lessons tomorrow. I should talk to Marian and Jing to find out if they're interested, too.

Time for homework now, though.

* * *

**May 18, 2515**

Dear Simon,

Thank you so much for the card and the skirt! I'm wearing it right now. Words can't express how glad I am we don't have to wear uniforms here like we did in Gen Ed.

I have a tutorial in an hour, and I want to spend some time twirling around in this skirt before it begins, so this letter is going to be shorter than usual. I really just wanted to thank you, and to let you know how much I love you.

Your sister always,

River

(P.S. Did I mention exactly how much better your present is than the bank deposits our parents give us every year? Money is useful, but the dress means you actually _know_ me.)

* * *

**May 18, 2515**

**Diary entry: R. Tam**

Today is my fifteenth birthday! I'm now, for the first time in my life, officially the oldest in my class. I know I was before, too, but now I'm fifteen and Jing and Marian are still fourteen.

Simon sent what has to be the most perfect skirt in the 'Verse. It's blue, and has folds in the sides so it expands when I turn. My parents made their usual generous deposit to my savings account, _minus_ the speech about fiscal responsibility for once, and the chef here even gave me a cupcake with my lunch. It had a candle in it and everything.

I remember one year - it had to have been my fourth birthday, because that's the year I learned that planets other than Osiris exist - when I asked Father about days and dates. If every planet and moon has a different orbit, how can we all have the same calendar? And the length of days on every planet is different, too.

That's when my father explained to me how it all works: each planet follows its own calendar as well as the official revised Julian one. Osiris, as the seat of the Bureau of Interplanetary Records, only has the one calendar, which is why I hadn't figured it out before.

I've always thought it was kind of stupid, but I've never been able to think of a better way to do it, so it probably can't be done more efficiently.

I should probably get to sleep, anyway. History tutorials all start an hour earlier tomorrow. (Hey, look, another vestigial time measurement.)

* * *

**May 24, 2515**

Dear Simon,

I was so pleased to get your last letter. It's completely understandable that you've been so busy at the hospital. Holidays, especially Unification Day, are always a busy time for you - you'd think people would have more sense than they do, but we both know they really don't. Well, more drunken fools on the street means more income for you, right?

I've been busy too - a new group came in last week and I've been watching them to find out what I can learn. There are four new students, and I swear to you that one of the boys looks about twelve. The oldest boy looks quite handsome though, and I'm hoping to get a chance to talk to him soon.

We don't have much contact with groups outside our own. We only see one or two other groups at a time, usually at mealtimes. It's a side effect of the rotating schedule we're on here. I can't complain, since that just means I don't have to worry about being too quick for the rest of the class!

All the same, I miss seeing you every day and correcting the papers you bring home.

I love you!

River

* * *

 

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
From: C. Mathias  
To: All medical staff  
CC: T. Jamison, R. Ward, L. Wu, J. Zhang  
Date: June 2, 2515  
Subject: Group VIII progress

 

Based on staff observations of group VIII, it is time to begin phase 2 of treatment. Ideally, they should stay in their current environment as long as possible. This means for God's sake be _careful_ when administering the sedative this time, Akright!

There are no indications that subjects J. Li or M. Ryan suspect anything. You should have no problem following standard operating procedure for them. R. Tam will be somewhat more difficult. While her schoolwork, behavior, letters and private writings seem to indicate she knows nothing of our intentions, I believe she is holding back. Based on this and her already highly intuitive nature, I recommend we isolate her during Phase 2's inception. She will be more inclined to accept drugs if she has a legitimate reason to be drugged, and I should not need to remind you how crucial trust is at this stage in the process.

Doctor Zhang, I believe you are in an ideal position to manufacture a reason for subject R. Tam to spend several days in the Infirmary. It is so simple for even the most graceful of creatures to trip and fall given the right stimulus, after all. Just make sure any damage you do to her can be repaired. I need not remind you that you are easier to replace than our pupils are.

* * *

Needles. So many needles and pins and I can't move. Held tight by something heavy and I can't reach my legs.

There's something wrong that I should be subjected to this. Subjected. Subjected _to_, subject _of_. Of what? Remember. You have to remember, River.

They pick me up and pose me like a doll again and at least it doesn't hurt now.

Another needle in my arm and the world turns black again.

* * *

**June 12, 2515**

Ge-ge,

I'm sorry for not writing last week. This is the first time I've been conscious enough to write. I'm sure the Academy notified our parents about what happened, but in case they didn't tell you: I broke my leg while sparring with Miss Zhang, and got a mild concussion when I fell.

It was a freak accident this time, not like when I fell out of the Cambersons' trees. (What kind of trees were they? I can't remember.) There was a spot of sweat on the ground, I think... it's all fuzzy, but I remember twisting, falling, hearing a crack and hitting the ground. And I've been holed up in the Infirmary with my leg elevated since then.

The good thing is, I'm not missing any classes. They're not letting me do any schoolwork right now, but all our instruction is individual or in small groups. We've had to reschedule quite a lot, but I don't have to worry about falling behind.

I wish they'd take me off the drugs. Pain's easier than being all fuzzy. But my last bone re-growth session is this afternoon, and it helps to know that the worst of it will be over then.

I miss you so very much. I wish you were here; healing is always easier when you're around.

Love,

Your mei-mei.

* * *

**June 20, 2515**

**Diary entry: R. Tam**

Finally out of the infirmary wing. Finally.

I wish Simon were here.

It's late and I'm sleepy, so to bed with me.

* * *

PROGRESS REPORT - ENCRYPTED  
Subject: R. Tam  
Session: 14  
Date: June 21, 2515  
Filed by: T. Jamison  
Attachment: RT-SESS014-21062515-AT.transcript

Session 14 was the first session with River after introduction of the G-23 Paxalon-B hydrochlorate solution. River was much quieter and more malleable this time than in previous sessions.

In the interview portion of the session, she indicated reluctance to continue education at our facility. I informed her that homesickness after being away from home for so long is common, recommended she read resources in public files.

After surreptitious introduction of her next Paxalon dose via a handshake injector, River referenced the names and backgrounds of two subjects she has never had the opportunity to meet. If she indeed has not met them before and has not broken our encryption, this can be taken as evidence that River is perceiving specific data from the minds of others. On its own it is not proof, so we must wait and continue to observe.

Following regular procedure, I administered a drug to repress River's memory of the second half of the session.

Suggested actions based on this session:

-Distract River until such time as she is more receptive to our influence.  
-Increase difficulty level of her academic course load.  
-Contact her parents requesting that they encourage subject to remain busy where she is. If parents refuse, create such correspondence ourselves.  
-Cross-reference subject's file with the files of subjects N. M'Benga and K. Staal to ensure that there has indeed been no prior communication between them.  
-Examine the student database's entry logs for any abnormal activity.  
-Continue clandestine observation of River.

If she continues to progress at this rate, we should be able to begin the next phase of training within the next four weeks.

* * *

It's too loud to sleep here. There's something missing, I know there is, but I don't know what it is. What's different here? Why now?

It isn't too loud for Marian. Not too loud for Jing. And it's not like they snore. Not with sound. There's a frequency here that's outside the normal range and that's what I'm hearing. Feeling. Imagining?

The air is pulsing around them, like breathing but without air. _Ethereal_. That's the word. Should have thought of it before.

If I sleep, I'll dream of dust and heat and horses, and I've never even seen a live horse before. I have no idea why this is happening, and I've spent all day today and all night tonight trying to figure it out. If I don't sleep, they'll put me back in the infirmary. If they think I'm crazy, they'll send me home, or worse. And I don't want to leave. Don't even want to go back to the infirmary.

I'll rest, and at least look like I'm sleeping.

Fool them.

* * *

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
From: E. Kuo  
To: C. Mathias, T. Jamison  
CC: All medical staff  
Date: June 23, 2515  
Subject: Dormitory room 3

 

It has come to my attention that River Tam has been getting an inadequate amount of sleep. Given the need for trust at this stage, I believe it would be inappropriate to reveal our use of scanning technology in the dorms to the subjects.

Because of this, I would like to request permission to introduce a mild sedative into the room's air circulation at night. Would Hexonadryn be acceptable? It is mild enough for its effects to be dismissed as sleepiness, it vaporizes leaving no odor, and it should not be harmful to the room's other two inhabitants. I don't want to use it without confirmation that this measure would not interfere with your own plans.

Thank you for your assistance in this matter. I look forward to your prompt response.

-Erica

-

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
FROM: C. Mathias  
To: E. Kuo, T. Jamison  
CC: All medical staff  
Date: June 23, 2515  
Subject: Re: Dormitory room 3

 

Permission to administer mild sedative granted, though the operative word here should be _mild_. Hexonadryn is indeed acceptable; it will also enhance the Paxalon's mood-stabilizing effects, which makes it doubly beneficial. Please begin with the minimum recommended dosage and increase it if needed.

Keep me apprised of the subject's sleeping habits. Thank you for coming to me with this.

* * *

**June 29, 2515**

**Diary entry: R. Tam**

Jing told me to go away after I corrected her on a point in the essay she was writing. It isn't my fault she faces her computer screen toward my chair all the time. It isn't my fault that Rusakov's Third Postulate disproves her entire thesis. Really, it isn't.

I should know better than to do that. Really, I should. But she was wrong, and this isn't the kind of place where you keep your mouth shut when you see someone failing. It's not like primary school. Everybody here actually wants to succeed. It would have been cruel _not_ to say something.

That's the strangest thing about being here: I've gone from being the "Little Mouse" of the class to working with people my age. It's strange to be so suddenly average.

* * *

**July 12, 2515**

Dear Simon,

I've started a new Biology unit. Jing and I are now becoming experts on the biological science of terraforming. The amount of engineering the Alliance had to do to get plants to grow on some of these planets is absolutely astonishing. Did you know that _Triticum universalis_ (you know, that species of wheat that grows just about everywhere) was genetically engineered almost from nothing to ensure it would grow well in as many environments as possible? We're going into the specifics of its creation now.

Homework isn't the same without looking over your shoulder and correcting you, you know.

The counselor - Dr. Jamison - thinks I should make more of an effort to get to know the other students. It would be easier if we were allowed more time to meet the other groups.

I _have_ been talking to the handsome boy I mentioned before I broke my leg. His name is Jack, and he's fourteen. He was born on Whittier, of all places; he was going to be a fish breeder like nearly everyone else on that moon if he hadn't been accepted here. His grandparents owned the main hatchery before the Alliance took it over.

I love you and miss you so much!

Love always,

River

* * *

Another session with Dr. Jamison today.

We begin with the usual conversation - how is school, how are your classes, have you had any problems - and then he asks about sleep.

I tell him that I'm sleeping well enough, and he asks about my dreams. For half a second I wonder how he knows.

But he doesn't know. Strange dreams are common at this stage in new situations, he continues.

Well, he wants to know, so I tell him.

Not all at once. First I talk about the normal dreams. Flying, falling, dancing, sitting an examination and realizing I've never taken the class, that sort of thing. But he knows I'm holding something back, so I tell him about the horses.

He blinks, I blink, and he avoids saying something. Then he asks what the dreams are like. _Are you riding horses? Are you a horse? In the dreams, I mean._

Those are the most original questions he's asked since the first session.

Usually I'm just standing in one place, watching them. Sometimes I'm riding them, I tell him. Sometimes I groom them or feed them.

_Generally, when certain dreams like this happen, it's a sign of something. In dreams, horses can symbolize strength and endurance. Perhaps your subconscious is telling you that you can endure being away from home during your studies._

But why horses? I ask. It's so strange...

_Osiris isn't very agrarian, is it?_

That's the kind of question that deserves nothing but a stare.

_Miss Li is from Whitefall. Has she been talking about her home to you at all?_

Not recently, but now that he mentions it, that makes more sense than anything I've come up with.

I can't remember if she's talked about horses, though.

* * *

PROGRESS REPORT - ENCRYPTED  
Subject: R. Tam  
Session: 20  
Date: July 15, 2515  
Filed by: T. Jamison  
Attachment: RT-SESS020-15072515-AT.transcript

River had what I hope is a real breakthrough today. I've been counseling one of her roommates (Jing Li - see her profile and progress reports for further information about her counseling sessions) about being homesick for Whitefall for a few weeks now, but I didn't make much of it until today.

However, in today's session, River seemed reluctant to discuss the dreams she has been having, so I continued to prompt her. To my astonishment, she has been having the same horse dreams as Jing!

I was able to conceal my surprise, of course - horses are a surprising dream topic for a child of Osiris, after all, and she wasn't looking at me when she revealed these dreams. I told her about how horses can symbolize endurance and bravery in dreams, and perhaps her subconscious was telling her to "stick it out," as it were.

She then expressed curiosity about where the horses could have come from, so I asked if Jing had talked to her about Whitefall. Of course she has, and I know it, but it would have done no good to reveal it, and so far she hasn't given any indication of being able to read my thoughts.

This week is an off week for the Pax, so there was no second half to this session. The extended sessions will resume beginning with session 22.

Suggested actions based on this session:

-Continue monitoring River for signs of extraordinary ability, no matter how small the signs may be.  
-Encourage her to cultivate the mindfulness necessary for developing one's natural abilities.

* * *

What they say is that the school's educational structure changes drastically after the first few months, and that's why we don't see the older students. That's probably true, but not the whole truth.

What they say is they hypnotize us during the second half of most of the counseling sessions, and that's why we don't remember them. But Jack is here, complaining about "the standard injections" like I'm supposed to know what he means.

I nod and smile, make my excuses, and leave.

I've made a mistake here. I've listened to what they say and ignored what they don't say.

Think, River.

There are three possibilities: Jack could have some kind of medical condition, the Academy is medicating every other student here but not me, or I'm being medicated along with the rest of -

You fool. You boob. How didn't you know this? How didn't you figure it out? That wasn't hypnotism, that was a handshake injector. You know, the same technology that the doctors back home use to give inoculations. The ones rapists and robbers use to sedate their victims without being conspicuous.

River, you _idiot._

Okay, breathe. No point in too much self-recrimination. Even when you deserve it.

I have to find out what they're doing here. Should I ask? No, it would be stupid to expose myself. I'll have to break in.

This is going to be much, much harder than hiding my trail all those times I used Simon's dedicated source box.

* * *

 

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
HIGH URGENCY  
To: T. Jamison  
From: C. Mathias  
Date: July 17, 2515  
Subject: Security breach!

R. Tam has broken into our database. We have traced the security breaches to her, but we have yet to figure out which files she has accessed.

Hold an emergency session with her immediately. You will be able to find out what she knows far more quickly than our other agents can. This is of the utmost importance. You are to place this above all other priorities. _Do not let her leave the counseling room without completing this task._

Let her go once you have extracted all you reasonably can, but ensure she does not tell the other students any potentially incriminating information.

* * *

I'm not sure how long I've been here. It's past dinner, I know that much. Dr. Jamison took me out of my afternoon tutorial, so it has to be three hours. Not that I plan on eating anything they serve me.

It takes five days to get to Osiris from here, and I refuse to get on a transport that belongs to these people, so I _will_ have to risk the water until my parents can send another ship. Only from the public taps, though. Maybe I can get into the faculty water supply.

Focus now, River. Listen to what he isn't saying.

He isn't surprised. He knew I would know. Someone else is surprised, and that's why I'm here.

And I'm not going to leave. They think they're keeping me, but I'm waiting. I'm going to figure this out if it takes me the rest of my life. I will grow old and die in this chair if I have to.

But this chair isn't very comfortable. Just because I _could_ grow old in it doesn't mean I _want_ to.

He knows I know something, but he doesn't know what. And he won't let me leave until I tell him something.

I need to find out more before I tell him anything. Some things you can only learn by asking.

* * *

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
HIGH URGENCY  
From: T. Jamison  
To: C. Mathias  
Date: July 18, 2515  
Subject: R. Tam Medical Update: Urgent  
To be saved also as progress report for R. Tam Session 21

I fear we have made a grave error in lying to River.

She knows that she has been drugged, like all the other students, but she has given no indication of knowing why.

I gave her the same explanation we should have given her in June. In addition to being a mood stabilizer, I explained, Paxalon helps enhance a person's natural mental capabilities.

We stayed in the room for nine hours, and eventually I had water and a meal brought. She refused to eat, and only drank after I tasted the water myself. Most of those nine hours were silent. That girl's direct stare is a thing to be feared.

I could see that she was thinking, and I knew better than to break any trust we had left by interrupting, so I let her think. Occasionally she would ask a question ("Why did you tell the others, but not me?" "What exactly do you intend to teach us with this?") and I would answer as well as I could without overstepping my bounds. I know what I'm allowed to tell students here. I can assure you I never once deviated from the script.

Regarding my choice not to dose her: The week off the Pax is crucial in the early stage of the training process. Medicating her would only damage her at this point, and it would absolutely destroy any chance we have of regaining her trust. The next session will be crucial to our endeavors, but I'm sure we can have her agree to work with us by then.

After hour eight began, she finally started to talk. I said nothing aside from commending her choice to be honest.

It turns out that one of the younger students (J. Wood) had complained to River about "the standard injections," which he had started the week before, and River was taken aback that she had no idea what he was talking about.

She has figured out a substantial amount. However, I believe that most of what she knows is either guesswork or perception. She indicated to me that she is more skilled at hiding her tracks on computer networks than she is at breaking heavy encryption. If you know River, though, you know how perceptive she is, and how good at guessing. We were lucky she didn't find anything important out before now.

Here is what I know River knows:  
-We are administering G-23 Paxalon-B hydrochlorate to the students.  
-This is more than a simple educational facility because of the Pax - we are trying to create "better learners."  
-Nobody outside of this facility knows what is going on, and we actively prevent news of the inside from leaking out.  
-After the first several months of one-on-one tutoring, our methods change drastically. She does not to my knowledge know how.

Despite my best efforts to coax more out of her, she became quiet again. She strongly asserted that she had told me everything, so I let her go after it became clear she had said her peace. Before she left, I extracted a promise from her that she would not tell the other students. Once I pointed out that the others are more likely to believe us than her, she acquiesced.

River's next scheduled session is two evenings from now. I suggest we monitor her closely and reschedule the session for the morning of July 20th. A few hours will not make any significant difference, either medically or socially, and time she spends non-medicated is time she could use to our detriment as well as her own.

I have now been awake for well over a day thanks to this extended session, and I have no further appointments until this evening, so I am going to bed now. Feel free to wake me if you need me, but bring coffee if you do.

 

* * *

They want me to lie.

They want me to lie and I'm going to do it, because if there's one thing I learned during the eight hours I spent in that damn room, it's that they have all the power. I signed my power here away for what? The promise of academic challenge? Some private tutoring? I'll have to take it back.

There are two days until my next session. That gives me time to word my transfer request. I doubt it will make it past Jamison, but I want to see how he reacts.

They will edit, reroute or delete any communications I send explaining anything. If they're willing to falsify documents to make me keep quiet, then preventing me from going through standard channels would be easy for them. From now on, when I write to Simon I'm really writing to them.

They want me to tell the others I have gotten bad news from home. Ridiculous. What kind of bad news would lead them to give me an eight-hour counseling session, but not require me to go home to deal with the emergency? I don't think they've thought too much about this. The fact that they haven't means something. My knowing whatever they think I know makes me a threat. It gives me power I didn't have before tonight.

It gives me something I can use.

* * *

PROGRESS REPORT - ENCRYPTED  
Subject: R. Tam  
Session: 22  
Date: July 20, 2515  
Filed by: T. Jamison  
Attachment: RT-SESS022-20072515-AT.transcript

River asked to transfer out of the Academy today. She phrased it formally, and I could tell she had been working on how to say it for some time (perhaps since the last session?). She has not put in a formal request, and I didn't tell her how to do so. I doubt you would honor such a request, of course, but the less paperwork we have to plausibly deny, the better, right?

I "misinterpreted" her request as homesickness and suggested she write a letter to her brother. If she was going to avoid referencing session 21, I would as well. I steered the topic of conversation toward her brother: what is he doing on Osiris, has he written her recently? What was it like growing up with him so much older? That sort of thing. Her responses were terse; she gave nothing more than exact answers.

Perhaps the most disturbing aspect of the first half of the session for me is that although she only rarely made eye contact, I felt her staring at me more than once. I don't doubt her description of herself as a "subject" will send those above me scrambling to find out if she's read more than we think. It is highly unlikely that this is the case. We have just revealed to this girl that we have treated her as an experiment. "Subject" is perhaps the most appropriate word she could use.

During our conversation, she also indicated feeling pain. This makes her the first (and perhaps the only) one of her group to do so, and given her empathic skills, this is not surprising.

I took the precaution of carrying River's Pax dose in a handshake injector in the event that River resisted, but as it happens, I needed no subterfuge this time. She looked at my hand at the beginning of the session and told me to "get on with it, then." If it hadn't been for the resignation in her voice, I would have thought she was curious.

After giving her this session's Pax dose, River turned complacent again and responded in detail to each of my questions.

There can be no doubt now that River's abilities are telepathic in nature. I know Doctor Zhang's initial theory was that she possessed some sort of muscle memory, but I have always thought otherwise, and today brought incontrovertible proof that I was right all along.

Today, River told me about the Academy's first student, the one who died during his first operation. She has not read anything relating to Nikolai; I have confirmed this myself. At any rate, she knew things that I never wrote about in the logs. Even the video of the surgery would not have shown her what she revealed to me. I never told anyone about my attendant coming to me for comfort in the quiet room afterward.

I used her Paxalon-induced suggestibility to remind her that we do very good work here and that she is an important part of that work. This was the only statement she didn't respond to; instead, she reiterated her request to see her brother. Once again, I suggested she write to him instead.

River may well be the best student in the Academy's history. I will not allow her to leave here, either through transfer or medical error.

Suggested actions based on this session:  
-Increase the frequency of River's sessions to four times a week, as is normal for this stage.  
-See about accelerating her studies so she goes into individual instruction as soon as possible. This should not be difficult; she is progressing faster than the others anyway.  
-Continue monitoring River at all times for signs that she may tell another student what she knows. It would be unwise to separate her from the group at this point, but given the rapid development of her abilities and the depth of her distrust of us, we will need to isolate her very soon.

* * *

**July 21, 2515**

Dear Simon,

There are so many things I want to tell you, and I can't formulate any of them the way I want to. It is impossible to say just what I mean, as our friend J. Alfred Prufrock would say!

This has been by far the hardest week I've spent here.

How should I presume that life would be any better if I came home from the Academy? I shouldn't. It is challenging enough for me here, and I need to accept the challenge. This is the first time in my life I've had classmates my age.

It's just that all week, I've had the feeling of having something missing, and I don't know where to find it.

How should I begin to explain it to you when I don't even know what it is I need myself?

Simon, I love you. No matter what happens, I want you to know that.

Love,

River

* * *

Sent a message to Simon. I hope he gets it. Maybe he'll even understand it. I'll have to keep trying. I'll have to fool them again.

I can't leave. They won't let me, and they're bigger than I am.

If you can't fight big, fight dirty. I'll send this letter, then see what happens.

I don't want to lie to Simon. I want to tell him everything. I want to sit next to him on the upstairs couch and tease him about homework like I did when I was six. I want to be afraid of monsters in the dark instead of drugs in my food. (I can't leave, and they won't let me starve.)

I'll have to play the fool. They'll have to think I trust them if I want to get anything done.

* * *

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
From: I. Lang  
To: C. Mathias  
Date: July 21, 2515  
Subject: Need feedback about content of outgoing letter  
Attachment: 7292fc23-21072515.ipwave

There are, as usual, a number of student letters to family and friends in queue for the next scheduled data burst. All but one of them give nothing away, but I'm not sure about the last one. It's a letter from River Tam to her brother, and while it doesn't give anything away directly, it sounds odd. I want to be sure she isn't trying to say something other than what she's written.

Please review the attached letter at your earliest convenience and let me know whether I can clear this for transmission. The next data burst is tomorrow morning, so if you could give me an answer before then, I would appreciate it.

-

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
From: C. Mathias  
To: I. Lang  
CC: D. Wei  
Date: July 21, 2515  
Subject: Re: Need feedback about content of outgoing letter

I forwarded the contents of the letter to Dao-Ming Wei, who is more knowledgeable than I am regarding cultural and historical matters. She assures me that while the letter is indeed odd, it merely references an ancient poem of Earth-That-Was. It is a poem the subject has referenced once before in her letters, and has accessed recently in the student database, so the chances of it containing an encoded message are minimal at best.

Add the message to the outgoing queue, and make a note to be doubly careful with this subject's future correspondence. The subject in question is currently under extra behavioral monitoring following a minor security breach; between your measures and mine, we should be able to deal with anything that happens.

In the future, should you need assistance regarding historical or cultural references in student correspondence, please contact Doctor Wei directly before coming to me.

* * *

**July 24, 2515**

Dear Simon,

That's the quickest reply I've gotten from you since my first week here. I hope I didn't worry you too much.

There's still not a lot I can talk about - there were about a thousand nondisclosure agreements in my entrance packet, and I can't go into specifics without breaking them - but I can tell you that I'm safe, and feeling better now that I've slept.

Classes have kept me very busy lately. They say I'll be ready to begin the next stage of instruction in about a week, and somehow that equates to doubling my workload until then.

How have things been for you? I'm longing for news of Osiris today.

Love forever,

River

* * *

The first time I lied to Simon was on his birthday. He was seventeen, I was seven, and I didn't like all the attention he was getting. I never told him what really happened to the cake, but he knew anyway. Knowing that he knew was enough shame for me to handle.

The second time, I told him it was just a cold because admitting it was anything worse would have meant getting up, and getting up hurt too much. He didn't even need any equipment, just felt my forehead, carried me to the hangar, and took me to the hospital in our parents' private shuttle. He couldn't prescribe anything himself yet, but the fact that he got me help saved my life.

This time, I'm not technically lying. The letter I'm about to send Simon is true: I'm safe enough. I'm not important if I'm dead, so whatever will happen, they'll keep me alive and relatively healthy.

I just hope this lie goes as well as the other two.

* * *

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
From: C. Mathias  
To: All medical staff  
CC: R. Ward, L. Wu, J. Zhang  
Date: July 30, 2515  
Subject: Group VIII change of status

Effective immediately, the subjects in group VIII are to begin phase 3 of treatment. Despite the trouble we have had with R. Tam, I do not believe that we will need to deviate from standard operating procedure.

Dr. Jamison, you know the subjects best, so as usual, it will be your job to get them into the training and surgical facilities without causing a disturbance. You have my clearance to use whatever means you deem necessary, provided you do not cause any permanent damage to the subjects.

I want to visit them myself after you have finished, so please inform me as soon as the entire group is moved.

* * *

Today is the day. I haven't said a word to Jamison or anyone, and I don't intend to. But I'm being moved. Being handled. Circus animals have handlers. Spies have handlers. What does that make me?

If I ask, they will lie. So I say nothing as Jamison escorts me through a corridor I've never seen before. I watch his hands as he enters a code into a keypad, presses his right hand against a panel, and stares into a light.

I say nothing as he reaches for my arm, stops himself, and asks _May I?_ as if I had a choice. I nod. He takes my wrist and guides it to the panel.

I say nothing as the pad takes a blood sample.

_Sorry,_ he says. _Standard procedure. It's easier if we don't warn people about it. I've developed a decent callus from that thing. Now if you look into this light..._

I listen, but I don't look at him. I blink away the light from the retinal scan and observe the room behind the now-open door.

It looks like a cross between a medical laboratory and the factory I visited with my father when I was six. (He told me how important it was to know what the family stood on. I was silent then, too.) The room is full of metal chairs, and the chairs are full of people. Jing is in the one nearest the door, and Marian two chairs down.

And now he explains. A sort of virtual reality experience, he says. Allows for rapid information transfer. This is why they had to drug us, you see?

I know as he leads me to the chair labeled "R. Tam" that what Jamison says is exactly as true as what I told Simon in my last letter.

He lifts one arm of the chair up. I sit.

The world stops.

* * *

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
From: T. Jamison  
To: C. Mathias  
CC: All medical staff, R. Ward, L. Wu, J. Zhang  
Date: July 30, 2515  
Subject: Group VIII status change

I have moved each of the girls in group VIII to their new primary room and updated our records accordingly.

Dr. Mathias: if you visit them now, you will find them sedated. This is standard procedure, as I'm sure you recall, and not a sign of any issues. If anything, this was the easiest time I've had of it. I was sure River especially would be bursting with questions, but she never said a word. Marian was the talkative one for once, and her questions all had easy answers.

It is River's silence that worries me most. I can't tell what she's thinking, if she's planning something, if we've broken her before we've had the chance to begin truly molding her... I suppose it's a moot point now that we have her in the chair.

At any rate, since the transfer has gone smoothly, you can go ahead and schedule their initial surgeries for anytime after August 10. Just please let me _know_ beforehand this time so I don't call security when I come in to pick one of them up for a session and realize she's missing.

* * *

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
HIGH URGENCY  
FROM: C. Mathias  
To: J. Zhang  
Date: July 30, 2515  
Subject: Your employment at the Academy

Dear Doctor Zhang:

As you recall, we hired you to tutor River Tam. Now that she has moved to individual, virtual tutoring, and none of our other students have expressed interest in dance, there is no further need for you to have contact with the students.

However, your knowledge is still valuable to us. Please report to the conference room at 14:30 today so we may discuss exactly what this entails. You can consider this your informal exit interview.

* * *

This must be what space is like. Nothing above, nothing below, nothing around but cold and dark.

Too cold. Too dark. Space has stars. I need light.

And I have it. It's a tiny piece of slightly-less-cool-and-dark, but I take it and hold on, and it begins to pulse.

I stare for a moment. It's not a light, it's a tear.

I pull. No sound, but it rips like fabric, and I take the warmth around me like a blanket.

I close my eyes and wake up.

* * *

PROGRESS REPORT - ENCRYPTED  
Subject: R. Tam  
Session: 23  
Date: August 3, 2515  
Filed by: T. Jamison  
Attachment: RT-SESS023-03082515-AT.transcript

Today was River's first session since beginning phase 3, and it went better than I had expected, given her recent behavior.

I'd thought River might ask for a transfer once again, but she didn't. Because she has spent her waking hours in the chairs, there was no need for me to bring a dose of Pax. I had brought a sedative, however, just in case. It turns out that I didn't need it.

I opened by asking why she had awakened screaming every day since the move.

"Dreams," she told me. "Just dreams." I asked her about them, and that was the last thing I said in the three hours we were in Counseling Room Two. During that time, she described her visions in detail. Most of them were nonsensical, in my opinion: these were the dreams about turning light into a blanket, about the outdoor tutoring area, about dancing through the woods.

By the time she told me the reason she wakes up screaming, I don't think she knew I was there. She even screamed in the telling of it. River told me of visions - she had called the others dreams - of disembodied blue hands reaching inside her and taking her brain. I think it's safe to say that this stage is working as planned.

Suggested actions based on this session:  
-Business as usual. River has been supervised continually since her first security breach, so she couldn't have found out about our agents through the computers. It's information she's taken from somebody's memory. If her knowledge worries you, additional security could be put in place with minimal effort.

* * *

My eyes are open. Blink, River.

Can't blink, too bright to see - _You don't see with your eyes. They're just the windows. You see with your brain._ \- where did that come from? What memory? - they're being held open and they _burn_.

My head is in a vise. My head is in a vise, and something is holding my eyes open. And there's a needle.

Suddenly, it's not too bright. My eyes are open, and I still can't see, and this time there are hands.

This is not a dream. It is sight. Vision.

* * *

**August 8, 2515**

Dear Simon,

Today makes a week in individual education. It truly is amazing (maybe a bit disturbing) that we can go through entire courses in three weeks instead of three months now. Sitting down and writing to you, and actually holding a pen to do it, is quite a relief, but I don't think I'll have very much chance to do it.

How is life on Osiris? You must be at the peak of summer right now. (Remember the afternoon I spent trying to build squirrel traps when I was five? I wanted to take them indoors, where it would be cooler for them and their thick fur. You told me that they would be just fine, that they knew how to deal with heat, but it was summer and I was bored. I'm glad I didn't catch anything, though. What would I have done with them? What would our parents have done if they knew?)

Love always,

River

* * *

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
From: E. Kuo  
To: C. Mathias, all medical staff  
CC: T. Jamison  
Date: August 12, 2515  
Subject: Group VIII initial surgery schedule

Since things have been going as planned for group VIII, I'd like to get each of them in for their initial surgeries this week. Unless you have any objections, we will begin with the Tam girl tomorrow with Doctor Yancey, then Li on Wednesday with Doctor Hu and Ryan on Thursday with Doctor Rossetto. I've scheduled them in this order in order to keep Tam quiet and preferably sedated into oblivion during the others' surgeries, but if you would prefer us to work on Li first to avoid the potential repercussions of her budding clairvoyance, please let me know before four o'clock this afternoon.

Thank you for your time.

-Erica

-

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
From: C. Mathias  
To: E. Kuo, all medical staff  
CC: T. Jamison  
Date: August 12, 2515  
Subject: Re: Group VIII initial surgery schedule

Your schedule is acceptable as is. Perform R. Tam's surgery first; you and your team will be better rested, and she is the most important one of these subjects. In fact, she has the most potential of any of our subjects to date. You and your staff must handle all of our subjects with due care, and R. Tam must be handled even more delicately. I should not have to reiterate that the talents of our subjects are much more valuable and irreplaceable than the training of our staff.

* * *

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
From: E. Kuo  
To: C. Mathias, T. Jamison  
CC: all medical staff  
Date: August 14, 2515  
Subject: R. Tam initial surgery, plus minor rescheduling of tomorrow

River's surgery was a success. It took much longer than expected, however, because she kept trying to wake up during the procedure.

This is no cause for alarm; her genetic profile shows a predisposition toward resistance to sedatives, and the anesthetic was completely effective throughout. I have ensured that our anesthesiologists will be using a different sedative with the girl the next time around.

I stress that although she showed signs of waking and we had to alter procedure accordingly, she never actually woke up, and there is no way she will remember anything about what happened. The only reason this merits mention in an official communiqué is that we will need to begin the Li surgery an hour later tomorrow (today, I guess - it's past midnight), in order to give the scrub techs proper time to prepare the room.

-Erica

* * *

Hands (not the blue ones) are cutting open my head.

Can't think. There are drugs. (Here, there's always some kind of drug.)

Been drifting today. Haven't seen anything. No senses. But the hands are there. They're always there, always touching, and I can't touch them back.

_I'll need that scalpel again._

I am six years old. Simon brings his first real medical tools home. He shows them to me, names them all, but won't activate the scalpel for me. Lasers are dangerous, he says.

That night I wait for him to fall asleep. I take his bag, tiptoe into my room, remove the scalpel and press the button, and suddenly there's a tiny hole burnt into my drapes.

I get three lectures the next morning, and I have to pay for the replacement fabric.

_Making the first incision into the basolateral..._

I am standing over myself, holding the scalpel. I am cut open. I am making a cut.

I am formulated, sprawling on a pin.

_She's showing signs of waking._

_Fix it, then._

_I already am. Just thought you should know. We don't want another mistake._

I am working on somebody different, not somebody past. This one's a girl, brown hair and green eyes. Not at all like Nikolai. Have to get it right this time.

This one is going to survive.

_You could at least be civil about asking._

I turn a dial on one of the machines and monitor River's status. Of course Yancey thinks my job is nothing. Thinks he can stand and laugh, but he couldn't do his job without me.

_Later, okay? I'm cutting into someone's brain here._

The human voices fade, and I don't know if I'm myself again or if I'm nobody.

* * *

PROGRESS REPORT - ENCRYPTED  
Subject: R. Tam  
Session: 24  
Date: September 3, 2515  
Filed by: T. Jamison  
Attachment: RT-SESS024-03092515-AT.transcript

River seems to be recovering well. Dr. Yancey obviously did a good job, as usual.

I didn't have to say anything to River; she did every bit of the talking today, which seems to be the norm for psychics soon after the initial surgery. Unfortunately, not much of what she said made sense. Much of the time, she spoke as if she were somebody else, or living somebody else's life.

The parts I understood most clearly were the ones where River described waking images, which I presume are products of her time in the chair. She has been seeing through the eyes of the people who come near her, and possibly even feeling the physical sensations they feel. We should be careful who we let near her, especially now that we have begun to truly unlock her psychic abilities.

Because there was very little coherent conversation in this session, I have highlighted a selection of excerpts from the transcription as representative of the session's tone. The first is River speaking as herself. The second, I believe, is River speaking as one of the women who attended her initial surgery. (Perhaps you could find the woman's identity and move her to a different surgical team; she doesn't seem to get along with Doctor Yancey.) The third is the only time River spoke directly to me - her use of the word "you" throughout the rest of the session was generic, not specific.

Suggested actions based on this session:  
-Continue to monitor River's behavior and recovery. If her recovery is as rapid as it looks, she should be due for another surgery by the beginning of next month.  
-Carefully screen the people we allow to get close to River.

* * *

AUTO-TRANSCRIPTION, R. TAM SESSION 24  
Date: September 3, 2515

EXCERPT ONE

String theory is wrong, you know. It's not strong enough. It's incomplete.

Atoms are strings. Electrons and protons and neutrons and quarks and- and everything, but not just them. The scientists are all wrong. It's not just physical.

There's a string between my head and yours, between my heart and Simon's, between my eyes and everyone's. There are strings between everything. I can see them now.

Everybody knows them, they just ignore them or choose not to see. But I can't choose. You cut holes in my eyelids. You make me see. I see. I see everything. I can see...

-

EXCERPT TWO

He thinks... Yancey thinks that being the best neurosurgeon in the quadrant means he's entitled to a piece of every woman he sees. Might be true, if he weren't such an arrogant jackass.

He thinks I'm stupid. If we were allowed to leave I bet he'd surround himself with stupid people to make himself look smarter. But he can't, and he can't get used to everybody around him being competent, and he can't take it, so he treats us like we're the people he wants us to be.

And he's not even all that good-looking, either...

-

EXCERPT THREE

You like power. You pretend to be humble, but I can feel the rush you get when you're in charge of something. You like looking at a person and deciding what her life will be in ten years.

Don't mind never leaving here, because every tool you make leaves here for you. Means you don't have to worry about retirement. Always knew you'd choose how you go.

But you don't give others that choice. You never have.

* * *

**September 8, 2515**

Dear Simon,

I miss you so much it hurts.

How long has it been since I've held a pencil to paper? Unless I've forgotten something, it's been too long. Remind me to write more.

The school is hard to deal with. I need more strength. No, I need something else but I don't know what.

Great food here, though. Used to think it was better than the cook's at home, but it really isn't.

So how has helping people been going? Have any new funny patient stories? Even if you were allowed to tell, you wouldn't; I know. Laugh at me all you like for that, but I have to ask. Part of what a sister does.

My love. Eternally.

River

* * *

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
From: E. Kuo  
To: C. Mathias  
CC: T. Jamison, all medical staff  
Date: September 16, 2515  
Subject: Surgery schedule, group VIII

I just did checkups on each of the girls in group VIII, and they all have my approval to undergo their next surgeries at the end of the month. I'll consult with the neurosurgery teams at our next meeting and will send you the final schedule as soon as I have one.

-Erica

-

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
From: C. Mathias  
To: E. Kuo  
Date: September 16, 2515  
Subject: Re: Surgery schedule, group VIII

Am I correct in my understanding that subsequent procedures will help quiet R. Tam's sporadic verbal outbursts? Our facility is due for inspection next month, and I absolutely do not want our star pupil to appear unstable when the inspector arrives.

-

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
From: E. Kuo  
To: C. Mathias  
Date: September 16, 2515  
Subject: Re: Surgery schedule, group VIII

You are correct that River will be quieter by inspection time.

To elaborate: we need to perform these surgeries one piece at a time if we are to achieve our goals instead of inducing Klüver-Bucy syndrome, or worse. There has to be a series of smaller procedures instead of a single larger one (which, as you recall, is what killed Nikolai Semyonov). The first of these produces the most drastic behavioral changes, and in students with abilities like River's, this changes can manifest as a thinning of the barriers between mind and mouth.

Her behavior is perfectly normal, and unless something goes wrong, she will be quieter after her next procedure. (I have her tentatively scheduled for the 23rd, pending confirmation from the neurosurgery teams. Much sooner and she won't have had time to heal; much later and she will have healed too much.)

Let me know if you have any more questions.

-Erica

* * *

The universe is more empty space than matter, but Swiss cheese is more cheese than hole. Simon and I used to bite holes in cheese slices and look at each other through them until our parents caught us. The holes were windows to the soul.

Can't look at people too far away, but someone nearby can, so I look through the holes in her until I see what I want. Nothing else to do when I'm not dreaming or asleep or under a thousand knives.

Simon is at the hospital. Not surprising. But Mother and Father are there too, with Ye Ye. Even Uncle Michael is there; haven't seen him in ten years and he still looks the same. Simon isn't working, though; he's sitting and holding a hand. Nai Nai's hand.

Nai Nai is in the hospital bed. Nai Nai, who baked cookies for Simon and me because we weren't allowed to have them in our house. Who taught me to swear in three languages and say "please" and "thank you" in five. Who let me stay in her house an extra two weeks when I got sick there two years ago and couldn't legally travel home.

She doesn't look good. Don't know what put her here, but she's not going to leave that bed again. Even if Simon didn't know it, it's easy to tell.

I want to say goodbye. Want to tell her I love her. It takes wanting to do something to remind me I'm not really here.

And I'm not. I'm in that infernal chair again. Alone.

So I scream and hope they can hear.

* * *

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
HIGH URGENCY  
From: I. Lang  
To: C. Mathias  
Subject: One of our students has a family emergency  
Date: September 19, 2515  
Attachment: 1432af17-27092515.ipwave

I just got an urgent wave from River Tam's parents addressed to River. Her paternal grandmother is dying - they say it was a severe internal infection that went misdiagnosed until it was too late to cure. They don't expect her to live more than another day, and they don't think she will regain consciousness during that time.

Should I forward the letter to River, or would she be better off if we don't tell her?

The letter itself is attached for your review.

-

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
HIGH URGENCY  
From: C. Mathias  
To: I. Lang  
Subject: Re: One of our students has a family emergency  
Date: September 19, 2515

Under no circumstances are you to inform her, or any of the people who work with her, of this development.

I repeat: _under no circumstances are you to inform her, or any of the people who work with her, of this development._ If we were to tell her, she would fight to go home, and there is no way we can allow that.

Thank you for forwarding the letter. I will take care of it from here.

* * *

**September 19, 2515**

Dear Mother and Father,

I want to go home and be with you. I want to say goodbye to my Nai Nai and be there to support you. The problem is, there's no way I could be there in time for everything without setting myself back a year at school. There isn't even a transport to or from here for another six weeks.

Write to me if you need anything else I can provide. I love you!

Love,

River

* * *

PROGRESS REPORT - ENCRYPTED  
Subject: R. Tam  
Session: 30  
Date: September 20, 2515  
Filed by: T. Jamison  
Attachment: RT-SESS030-20092515-AT.transcript

I was expecting River to be verbose today, as she has been during her last several sessions. Well, she _did_ talk. At least, she shouted. She demanded to see her grandmother, and I had to sedate her five minutes into the session when she started to get violent.

I'm usually included in the student mail rotation, but River hasn't gotten anything I'd know of.

Suggested actions based on this session:  
-Keep her lightly sedated whenever possible until her surgery Monday.  
-Find out what's going on with communications around here.

* * *

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
HIGH URGENCY  
From: C. Mathias  
To: I. Lang  
CC: T. Jamison  
Subject: Possible security breach  
Date: September 20, 2515

River Tam knows about her grandmother. I want to see you in my office immediately, and I intend to find out exactly how she knows. You will not leave my office until I am fully satisfied with your explanation, and even then your probable retirement from our employ will be considered.

* * *

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
HIGH URGENCY  
From: T. Jamison  
To: C. Mathias  
CC: I. Lang  
Subject: Re: Possible security breach  
Date: September 20, 2515

If I may make a suggestion, an idea has just occurred to me. During River's most recent sessions, she has been showing signs of literally seeing through another's eyes. Perhaps it is possible that a side effect of her abilities is that she has been channeling and perhaps controlling the abilities of her fellow students.

Given her current emotional state, she _would_ look for her brother, and Jing Li's abilities are clairvoyant in nature. I didn't make the connection between them until just now, Dr. Mathias, or I would have brought it up when I talked to you earlier.

At any rate, before you punish our resident communications technician, we should explore the possibility that River is tapping into - and perhaps controlling to an extent - Jing's abilities. If we can move River's chair out of her current telepathic range, we might be able to avoid any unpleasantness.

Her surgery is scheduled for three days from now. That should give us time to set up a place for her to return to.

If you wish, I can talk to her right now, while she's mildly sedated, and see if I can get some answers out of her.

-

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
HIGH URGENCY  
From: C. Mathias  
To: T. Jamison, I. Lang  
Subject: Re: Possible security breach  
Date: September 20, 2515

Go ahead and talk to River. If I find out you are lying to protect Dr. Lang, however, know that you will face all of the consequences he will.

Consider this your official warning, both of you.

* * *

Jamison is back. Can't move this time, though, can't fight.

He's surprised. He asks questions.

Don't want to answer. Shouldn't. Like giving in, like telling a secret. But he asks nicely and I tell him.

Don't know, just see things through people. Like borrowing Simon's source box. Nai Nai always lets me use her dedicated source box, no matter how young I am. And she never tells my parents.

Then he is gone, a veil of relief behind him. Someone is safe. Not me.

I'm still not alone.

* * *

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
From: E. Kuo  
To: C. Mathias, all medical staff  
CC: T. Jamison  
Subject: R. Tam surgery and room update  
Date: September 23, 2515

River is now resting in the unused east wing laboratory space, which is the farthest place from Jing that we can reasonably put her. It has everything she needs, and everything we need for her.

The surgery itself went without incident. She stayed sedated into oblivion throughout the procedure this time.

As before, Jing's surgery will be tomorrow and Marian's will be Wednesday, and you can contact me through the usual channels if you need me for anything.

-Erica

* * *

Can't see anymore. I was cold and now it's dark, so I have to use my eyes.

In a chair, _the_ chair. Another laboratory. Alone.

Try to move, River.

No good. Shackled physically too. Can't talk. Can't even scream. What would I say?

Eyes closed again. The chair is talking and even though I don't listen, my muscles do, treacherous things.

The only thing to do is wait.

I feel the people before I hear them. Time for another session.

* * *

PROGRESS REPORT - ENCRYPTED  
Subject: R. Tam  
Session: 40  
Date: October 1, 2515  
Filed by: T. Jamison  
Attachment: RT-SESS040-01102515-AT.transcript

Sweet merciful Buddha, that child is loud when she screams!

Once again, this was a short session; she hasn't been too prone to talking since her second surgery, and I haven't wanted to push her too far by asking lots of questions just yet. I am attaching the auto-transcription as seems to be the usual, as there isn't much more observation I can make outside of it.

The good news is that while she still shows impressive psychic abilities, she doesn't seem to know about anything going on outside our facility anymore. It seems my theory was right!

Suggested actions based on this session:  
-Make sure she's sedated when the inspector we've all heard so much about arrives.  
-See about adding earplugs to the list of supplies to be shipped in.  
-Contact Doctors Lang and Mathias ASAP to let them know of the evidence supporting my theory.  
-Possibly get in touch with Dr. Wei about the more obscure references River makes.

* * *

AUTO-TRANSCRIPTION, R. TAM SESSION 40  
Date: October 1, 2515

EXCERPT ONE

You are a giant. Fee fi fo fum. But there are no Englishmen here. You must be hungry. Do you smell my blood? Must you use your strength like a giant?

No more England means no more Englishmen. No more China, no more Chinese. No more America, no more Americans. No more anyone. But the new boundaries are larger. Now it isn't mountains or oceans or lines somebody put on a map. Now it's _nothing._

-

EXCERPT TWO

This is Wonderland. You have ears and can't listen. The walls have eyes and ears, but they need your eyes and ears for what it sees to have meaning. Don't need my eyes, not anymore. Not for this. And the chairs have mouths. Ears don't listen, don't hear, but the chair teaches things. How? Is it the same way a seed knows which way to grow?

-

EXCERPT THREE

You're a liar. Even when you don't intend to be, even when you don't want to be, you're a liar. But you can't get out. You've presided over more than enough "exit interviews" to know that. Watched the knowledge get sucked from a person, duplicated and returned fuzzier. How do you think I know more about movement now than I did yesterday? Not from motion, not with these shackles. Just because you can't see a thing doesn't mean it isn't there.

-

EXCERPT FOUR

Where are you, Simon? I need you, I need you! [incoherent screaming]

* * *

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
From: E. Kuo  
To: C. Mathias, all medical staff  
CC: T. Jamison  
Subject: Provisional future surgery schedule, group VIII  
Date: October 4, 2515

The girls in group VIII are recovering apace, so after consulting with the neurosurgery teams, I have made a tentative schedule for their next several procedures. Essentially, they will be on the fourth Monday (River), Tuesday (Jing), and Wednesday (Marian) of each month.

Of course, these dates are subject to change based on our own schedules and the medical needs of the patients.

Below are the preliminary surgical schedules for each patient:

River Tam: October 28, November 25, December 30, January 27, February 24  
Jing Li: October 29, November 26, December 31, January 28, February 25  
Marian Ryan: October 30, November 27, January 1, January 29, February 26

This covers all the standard operations. After they are completed, we will decide what procedures need to be done afterward.

And before I get a dozen angry missives in my inbox: yes, teams 2 and 3 will get an additional vacation day in January to make up for the holiday work.

-Erica

* * *

PROGRESS REPORT - ENCRYPTED  
Subject: R. Tam  
Session: 45  
Date: October 7, 2515  
Filed by: T. Jamison  
Attachment: RT-SESS045-07102515-AT.transcript

The first ten minutes of my session with River today were silent. I asked her what she had learned since yesterday, and she just stared. That stare is a terrifying thing when it's trained directly onto you, and I didn't want to disturb her until I was sure I wouldn't be able to take that silence for another second.

So I accelerated my schedule a bit and started asking her specifics.

I'd never harm her, of course - and if I had even thought I were making her uncomfortable, I would have cut the session short, as River is too valuable for us to lose to a simple mistake. I didn't even ask her anything important; I just wanted to gauge whether she could seek out specific information from a person's thoughts.

As it happens, she can. River knows my favorite color, favorite food, birthday, and homeworld. She knows the name of my first love, and even described her appearance and personality.

And then, unprompted, she told me why I started working here. If I didn't know better than to do it, I would edit the video and transcript to prevent the knowledge from becoming public. Of course, I have nothing to lose except face. And that is why I am here.

* * *

If I listen and focus, if I close my eyes and keep still, if I stretch my brain just a bit, I can listen to people when they're nowhere near. Can't see unless they think in pictures, but some things don't need to be seen to be understood.

I float. Names flow through me and I look in at the people attached to them.

Jamison. In session (could have guessed). Dealing with a new kid. How did he ever make it here? He's smart but has no ambition at all. Oh well, somebody sees something in him. Keep your head down and just do your job. You don't have an unprofessional opinion here. You can't. Have to make good on your sacrifice or she'll really never forgive you.

Moving on.

Marian is in her chair. Her muscles and nerves are learning too, but so is her brain. Every bit of her wants this. Traitor.

Jing is there, at the far edge almost past the edges. Want to look through her, use her eyes and her brain, but after last time I don't know I want to see. So I don't.

Moving again. Floating. Anything to keep my brain not listening to the room shouting.

_No._ He couldn't take "no" for an answer if it were gift-wrapped. Don't give a good gorram if he's the Verse's best neurosurgeon, I'm still not sleeping with him. He thinks I'm a captive audience because we can only leave one day a month. Can't report him, though. He's right about that. _No._

_No._ I won't allow this, not even if I have to lock myself in and never leave.

* * *

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
HIGH URGENCY  
From: C. Mathias  
To: T. Jamison  
Subject: R. Tam problem?  
Date: October 14, 2515

I have a report from one of the orderlies that the Tam girl is screaming nonstop again. I could hear her from the opposite end of the corridor. Do you have any idea what could be going on inside her head?

-

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
From: T. Jamison  
To: C. Mathias  
Subject: Re: R. Tam problem?  
Date: October 14, 2515

I had to shuffle my timetable for the day to get River in right away, but I just spent half an hour with her. (I'll be calling this a session and filing a formal progress report tonight, just so you know.)

As soon as the door opened, she shouted at me to get the hell out of the room and that she really would call Mathias on me, that she didn't care if we'd force her into retirement for this but if I came near her again outside of work she wouldn't be responsible for what happened.

Needless to say, she isn't herself at the moment.

I don't intend to pry, and I don't expect a specific answer aside from anything that would affect River's development, but if I were in your place, I would figure out if there have been any recent reports of sexual harassment in the office. She has "been" several people at the Academy in our sessions before, and as I reported in my progress report for her twenty-fourth session, someone on Doctor Yancey's staff doesn't seem to agree with him. Perhaps you should investigate?

Of course, I would never presume to tell you what to do. These are all simply suggestions. In the meantime, I believe I have distracted River enough to keep her quiet. I don't want to sedate her too much, after all.

-

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
From: C. Mathias  
To: T. Jamison  
Subject: Re: R. Tam problem?  
Date: October 14, 2515

Thank you for your input. Keep the girl under control using whatever means you deem appropriate and inform me of any changes in her status.

I will let you know if anything else requires your attention.

* * *

They want River to think of someone else, but I can't. Not while he's shouting. Not while I'm so scared.

But River can't move anyway, wouldn't look away if she could because somebody needs to remember this. She looks into the eyes of the beast. She sees the man who cut her open. And she screams.

_Jesu_, he tells me. _Why didn't you say no before?_

And we slap him. He really _is_ that stupid.

_You honestly think you can burst in here like you were ever - ever - welcome?_

Still death in his eyes, but fear too now.

He turns, leaves. Tries to look confident when he does so. The door slides closed.

I am River again. But I am never safe.

* * *

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
From: C. Mathias  
To: All staff  
Subject: Reminder of company policies  
Date: October 15, 2515

I just had to discipline one of our medical staff for harassment of another staff member. This would be unacceptable even if we were all able to go home at the end of each day, but as we live in a mostly enclosed environment, we cannot afford for things like this to happen. I am sending this to all staff in an attempt to curb the rumors that will undoubtedly arise despite my better efforts.

I will not use the victim's name out of respect for her privacy. I would use the perpetrator's name and expose him to public humiliation, except I do not want to create a social atmosphere that would render him no longer useful to us.

While I believe the situation has been dealt with appropriately, I would like to take the opportunity to remind you of our policies about such behavior. The harasser in this instance had convinced the plaintiff that she would be punished for reporting his behavior; this is untrue, and is another count on which he has been reprimanded.

The fact that this person thought he could get away with such reprehensible behavior with in a facility housing several powerful psychics, not to mention constant surveillance, is quite frankly mind-boggling.

If any of you experiences any form of harassment, please report it immediately.

* * *

She is safe. I am not, but it is too loud to look around.

I look farther instead.

Today is boring. Lots of mental eggshell flooring in the building today.

Don't want to do this, but I have to leave the building, so I go to Jing.

I am at a ball, wishing for someone to dance with. The Darbanvilles never invite enough people my age, so we girls have to stand around and look pretty when people demand it.

Remember your manners. Please, thank you, sir, madam, excuse me. _May I,_ never _Can I._ Of course you _can,_ but it doesn't mean you _may._

Are those real pears on that table? And at this time of year, too. Those can't have come cheaply.

I'll have to brave passing by crazy old man Mulholland who gets invited to these things because of the fuss he'd put up if we left him out. But pears!

Maybe this was worth leaving Whitefall for after all.

* * *

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
HIGH URGENCY  
From: C. Mathias  
To: All staff  
Subject: The Alliance inspector has arrived  
Date: October 24, 2515

I just had the privilege of welcoming this year's inspector to our facility. Her name is Emily Shaw, and you are to treat her with the utmost courtesy. Answer honestly any questions she asks, but do not offer her more information than she needs.

Dr. Jamison, please make sure to give Inspector Shaw a full demonstration of the abilities of at least one of our more advanced subjects. R. Tam would, I believe, be the best choice, and you should make every effort to showcase her talents. If she is not a suitable candidate for the demonstration, perhaps one of the other subjects from her group would suffice?

* * *

A new person. Haven't seen one of them in a while. Must have come in on a special transport.

It's been a quiet few days. Weeks? Hard to tell now. But quiet is good. Quiet lets me watch with eyes and mind, and tell them apart.

The door across the wing hisses open; it's Jamison and the new person. So today I'm an animal in a cage and not a pincushion. Better put on a show for my audience.

_Hello, Emily._

_Amazing. How did she... no, of course. This must be the psychic you were telling me about._

_I am. What are you here to inspect?_

I know the answer. She can't say it. That gives me the advantage.

_Oh! Well... you. Tell me about yourself._

_What do you want to know?_

_Everything. Anything._

She asked for anything. Only fair to give it to her. Besides, she's making it loud. I close my eyes and focus, and the memories I find feel so _good_ I have to smile.

_You kissed James goodbye the night before you got on the transport here. More than kissed. And you went back to your husband and told him how good the play was. He really has no idea, you thought. And you're right._

The woman is gone, Jamison chasing after her. That was the most fun I've had since coming here.

* * *

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
From: T. Jamison  
To: C. Mathias  
Subject: Demonstrations for the Inspector  
Date: October 24, 2515

The good news is that River was on her best outward behavior: not only was she coherent enough today to have a meaningful conversation with Inspector Shaw, but she stayed civil and didn't shout once. This is a sign that the new drug regimen is working as intended.

The other news - not _bad_ news, really - is that River used the conversation to bring up a personal secret of the Inspector's. This, naturally, made her extremely uncomfortable, and I had to continue the tour before River continued her recitation.

Once she calmed down, I explained to Inspector Shaw how River is not yet in complete control of what she sees in people, let alone says to them, and that I had been remiss in not warning her beforehand. I had thought that if I told her to avoid thinking of things she didn't want River to know, she would have a harder time _not_ thinking of them.

I freely admit my mistake, and Inspector Shaw told me that she plans to ignore River's specific words in her report. Instead, she will focus on the strength of River's abilities.

There should be absolutely no negative consequences arising from this - the Inspector's secret was embarrassing enough to ensure that - but I thought you would want to know what happened from me instead of from some other source.

-

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
From: C. Mathias  
To: T. Jamison  
Subject: Re: Demonstrations for the Inspector  
Date: October 24, 2515

Thank you for your honesty. I have reviewed the surveillance logs of your tour, and you were quite correct in reporting this to me. If you had not done so, I would have assumed you were hiding it from me, and that would have meant a lot of tedious paperwork for both of us.

You are, however, fortunate that R. Tam's reading of the Inspector was so thorough and so potentially embarrassing to Shaw that she is willing to ignore your lapse in judgement. I will not tolerate another such lapse. If our star pupil is no longer suitable for our purposes, you must let me know immediately. We cannot afford to expend our resources on projects that are doomed to failure.

-

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
From: T. Jamison  
To: C. Mathias  
Subject: Re: Demonstrations for the Inspector  
Date: October 24, 2515

Of course there will be no further incidents. We are doing our best to stabilize River's mental condition, but in order to see complete results, we have to wait until her amygdala has been completely stripped.

In the future, when you have me show River off, I will make sure her visitors are adequately warned, though I make no guarantees as to whether they will be able to suppress any thoughts or memories they don't want overheard.

Thank you for your understanding. This stage is certainly frustrating, but you and I both know how crucial it is that we break down the self-control of our students.

* * *

**November 8, 2515**

Dear Simon:

Write to me, please. I miss you!

Love, River

* * *

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
From: I. Lang  
To: C. Mathias  
Subject: Cut made from this week's outgoing letters  
Date: November 11, 2515  
Attachment: 7290cb68-08112515.ipwave

I had to arrange for the "accidental" loss of a letter from one of our students today. Per procedure, I am forwarding its contents to you.

The letter indicates that River Tam misses hearing from her brother. May I have permission to sanitize the content of his letters and forward them to her? I believe it would at least allow me to forward her letters to the intended recipient.

-

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
From: C. Mathias  
To: I. Lang  
Subject: Re: Cut made from this week's outgoing letters  
Date: November 11, 2515

Permission denied. The risk of him sending her encoded messages is too great. If it were anyone else, I might have granted permission, but R. Tam is a unique subject.

If you must arrange for communication to reach the subject, you should create it yourself.

* * *

Time passes. Time flies. Times change. Time is money. Time and tide wait for no one. (The tides on Sihnon are stronger than on any other fully terraformed planet. It has all those moons.) And again there will be time. Time is but the River I go a-fishin' in.

Time is relative. It needs an observer. Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow cannot creep in this petty pace from day to day without a floor to creep on. And it has nowhere to go, anyway.

Sometimes the lights turn off and I stay awake. Sometimes they turn on and I sleep.

Jamison doesn't talk every day anymore. Can't use him as a calendar. Can't even make marks on the walls.

Another surgery today, and I'm lifted like a rag doll and wheeled into bright oblivion. _Hard to believe it's December already,_ the orderlies chatter. Like nothing's wrong. But it's a clue.

Time is the fire in which we burn.

* * *

Quiet again. Nobody in the wing for no idea how long. It feels like forever. Everything feels like forever, and the chair is the only thing that talks, so I look around.

Nothing for me in here, and any scruples I used to have were cut away with the rest of me, so I look out through my personal telescope.

The ball she's watching is even duller than usual, all recorded music and polite laughter _(if it weren't for all their connections, I would never go to these things)._

It takes almost nothing for her to look away. She is deeply hidden. The way I would be if I were their good girl, the one they expect.

I have never been theirs.

Simon, where are you?

_The fact that you won't believe me doesn't change the fact that something is wrong with River._

I am holding a letter from my sister.

_I called the Academy last week. She's_ fine, _Simon._

_I don't know why I bother to tell you anything at all._

She flattens her hand, raises it a tiny bit. Realizes she's about to hit her flesh and blood. Stops, turns around, and leaves. Good.

River, where are you?

* * *

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
From: E. Kuo  
To: C. Mathias, all medical staff  
CC: T. Jamison  
Subject: Group VIII status &amp; facilities change reminder  
Date: February 24, 2516

River's surgery went as expected, but given how deep into her brain we went, she will need to be kept monitored and out of her chairs for the next several months. The same will hold true for the other two girls in the group as well, once their procedures are complete.

While River was in surgery, our staff worked to facilitate this change. She now has a bed fully equipped with both restraints and modified handshake injectors, though ideally the restraints will be unnecessary. We can refill the injectors during River's counseling sessions and her exercise time.

We will do the same for the other girls during their procedures as well, of course.

-Erica

* * *

Another month ticks away, but I didn't start counting for thunder after the lightning struck, so counting is useless.

Even quieter than usual. This is a bed and not a chair this time.

_You need to rest. Lie flat. Move and you'll just hurt yourself._

I'd fight, except it even hurts to blink.

* * *

A bed. Not a chair. (I've said or done or thought this a hundred times before, but I have to do it again.) So quiet without the furniture shouting. Have to strain to hear it, but there's something there. Not talking, just humming. Not even in tune. Like a small insect flying around, waiting to bite.

I need a mattress-sized flyswatter. The only thing available is mostly used for writing, but this place is all about repurposing things. What difference exists between a person and a pen?

One cut. Two cuts. Three. All the way to twenty. And when I finally find something, I laugh.

* * *

PROGRESS REPORT - ENCRYPTED  
Subject: R. Tam  
Session: 165  
Date: March 9, 2516  
Filed By: T. Jamison  
Attachment: RT-SESS165-09032516-AT.transcript

River was unable to provide me with a coherent explanation of why she tore up her mattress, and it took me six tries to get her even to address the topic. She did tell me that it "needed to be gutted," and referenced finding a "pea" inside it. Presumably she is referring to the modified injector system she found. This is probably a reference to the old fable about the princess, but I will run the transcript by Doctor Wei later, just to be completely certain.

The possibly worrisome issue this session was that River implied that her behavior of late has a perfectly good reason that we can't see. I believe, however, that this is not a sign of psychosis, but that her behavioral changes are a temporary effect of her removal from the chair.

My theory is that without the neural input from the chair, her brain has been working overtime to stimulate itself. This explains the lack of sleep as well as the erratic behavior and insistence that she needs a mission.

Suggested actions based on this session:  
-The restraints, unfortunately, will have to stay on for now.  
-Revert to the old medication delivery system until River can return to the chair.  
-Contact Dr. Wei re: princesses and peas.  
-Consult with the medical staff about what would help keep River's mind occupied without making her useless to us.

* * *

**March 20, 2516**

Dear Simon:

Once upon a time there was a princess locked up in a tower. She didn't start out there, but there she was anyway. She'd wanted to see the sky, but when she reached the top, the door closed on her hair and locked so tight behind her that she couldn't budge.

She turned her head as far as she could and saw a window, but she looked again and it was really a mirror because the window was behind her and she'd die if she looked out.

There weren't any scissors she could cut her hair with, and the only thing she could reach was a pencil. She tried to cut herself away with the pencil, but it made her hair too hot and the place had the kind of magic that meant fire couldn't burn for long. And the princess (just a girl now) despaired. She cried and cried, and her tears burned pockmarks into the floor, so she had to stop crying or break her neck falling through. The girl sat instead.

And she realized she _could_ sit. Her hair had grown in the not-fire. So she used her pencil again and again and each time she got a little bit farther. She sat, always careful not to look out, and tried it again, watching her new rope grow longer and longer. And she laughed, because she could do this as long as it took. It took a very long time. She saw forty-four sunsets in the mirror before her hair was long enough. But one day, she looked before her and saw enough hair to reach the bottom. It curled around the floor a hundred times. She could leave.

But she didn't. She got too excited and turned around before she left, and the light from the sun melted her like wax on wings. It hit her in the brain and pulled her forward and she fell over, out the window, but she was gone before the ground hit her. Squish.

The body was still, but it could never rest, even in death. Then one day, an uncountable length of time later, the prince was riding a horse through the forest. He came across the body, and when he saw what had happened, he wept so hard and so loud that the entire kingdom could hear.

Where his tears hit the ground, plants sprouted. Where they hit the girl, her blood flowed fresh. But the prince didn't know what he was doing, not until the girl sat up before him and told him not to cry. He hugged her and vowed never to let her go again, and the prince and the girl rode away together from the hateful tower. She could never be the princess again, though. She had spent too much time as the girl and the body to go all the way back.

I love you, Simon.

* * *

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
From: E. Kuo  
To: C. Mathias  
CC: T. Jamison, all medical staff  
Subject: Group VIII chairs  
Date: April 14, 2516

The girls in group VIII moved back to their chairs today. They all went quietly, if not all willingly, and all we need is the order to re-engage.

-Erica

* * *

PROGRESS REPORT - ENCRYPTED  
Subject: R. Tam  
Session: 353  
Date: September 30, 2516  
Filed by: T. Jamison  
Attachment: RT-SESS353-30092516-AT.transcript

River spent nearly all of today's session talking about her brother. She talked about their childhood, their education, how she felt when he became a doctor.

I suspect that her sudden fixation is a temporary whim of hers, so I'm excerpting the transcription and leaving it at that for the time being. The third excerpt is the strongest example of the River I have seen of late.

Suggested actions based on this session:  
-Monitor River's actions for any further changes.

* * *

AUTO-TRANSCRIPTION, R. TAM SESSION 353  
Date: September 30, 2516

EXCERPT ONE

He never cared how little I was. Held me when I cried, when Mother said I was too big to cry. Knew he'd be a doctor when he fixed my scraped knees. You're my big, brave girl. And it's all right to cry. Tears are a normal physiological reaction to pain, did you know that? They're even different when they're sad tears or pain tears or just getting rid of the dust in your eyes. The only bad tears are the ones of shame.

-

EXCERPT TWO

I had a dance performance once when I was twelve. Had a lot of recitals, but that one's special. Got all the parts with lots of jumping because I was so much smaller than everyone else. Not everybody was paying attention, though. One of the dancers was supposed to catch me, but spun the wrong way. Went sprawling, buckets of water everywhere. The stage couldn't catch me where I was going. But my brother did.

That night he told me he just didn't want to have to listen to anybody ask if there was a doctor in the house. He hates that cliché. We both laughed.

-

EXCERPT THREE

He's a doctor, you know. He helps people. Fixes their broken parts. Told me about fixing a girl's leg once. She ran into a security gate and it sliced right through her, but he put her back together like it was wood he could glue.

You say you're a doctor.

_Yes, I am one._

Who do you fix when you sit there? Simon works. Hard. You sit there and think a lot and make a lot of notes and you break people. You don't fix them.

_River... sometimes things need to be broken in order to be made better._

Things. Not people. Not... not a person anymore. Not a person. A tool. Give me a handle and point me and expect me to drill into people. Well, I won't. Won't... Won't believe. But believing something doesn't make it true. Evidence doesn't make things true. Truth makes things true. And that's what I see. What you made me see. And it terrifies you.

Not that you don't think I'm capable, not your problem, that never was. You knew it before I did. But the only good power is yours. You think it, doesn't make it true. Not truth.

Truth is a foreign country to you. That's what you need us for. Not tools. We're reconnaissance. First contact with the new place. Different place, different customs, different language. You wanted us as interpreters but take away the first language. So where does that leave you?

Afraid we're useless. Afraid we're worthless, have too much of ourselves. Such a slippery grasp. I can squirm anytime and you'll lose me for a while. Don't worry. You'll catch me again. You always do. It's what cats do with mice.

Just remember how mice can bite.

* * *

People. So many people, histories, memories, perceptions. See the room through a dozen eyes and they expect her to not get dizzy? They should try it themselves.

Who are they?

Who is she?

Who am I?

Need to write it down, keep it close, remember.

I need a pen.

* * *

**September 30, 2516**

**Diary entry: R. Tam**

River Tam

River Tam River Tam River Tam

River River River River RIVER RIVER RIVER

I AM RIVER TAM.

* * *

Night. Lights are dimmed, sounds are muffled. Other people are quiet, deep, slow. Asleep. But I just woke up. Don't know how long I slept.

Calendars are useless. I need an abacus.

Listen.

No footsteps (no shoes?) but there's someone. Can feel him. Like a thread pulled taut.

And now I hear him. He knows things. Knows secrets. Knows that secrets are the only power there is.

So I close my eyes and look at him. Who is this?

Not a politician, but he has memories of politics. Of making speeches, leading people like animals. Not a laborer, but he's worked with his hands. Not a trader, but he remembers every rock in the system like they're all his home. Not a soldier, but he's seen both ends of more weapons than he can count. Not a scholar, but knows seven living languages and two dead ones.

He is a mystery. You could tell him not to think of a purple elephant and he wouldn't.

He smiles. I smile.

And just like that, he floats away.

* * *

Too loud again, so I fly away.

Simon is waiting. He doesn't think anybody can see him and he'd be right except I can see him. He can't see me see him so he's as safe as he can be. (That is, not very. And he knows it.) Passed through the gate twice now, there's no more going back. Blackout zones aren't where you go to come back from. Not if you want to be the same person. One more thing we share, him and I.

_I hope you appreciate what I had to go through to get here._

The voice comes from behind. Familiar, but I - he - _we_ haven't heard it before.

_My parents disowned me for coming here. What, did you have to use up all your personal days? Missing your annual vacation to the Western Shores?_

Laughter, not from Simon, fills the room.

_My line of work, you don't get those. You think being wanted just for being here is bad, just wait until you've actually done something to deserve their attention._

_You said you had information for me._

_Yeah. Got a second cousin who sent these to me. He works in a mail room somewhere, forwarded me these, and told me to get them where they were supposed to go. He seemed to operate under the assumption that you'd be the one paying me._

Of course he's not doing this out of the goodness of his heart. His heart doesn't have any goodness in it.

_My accounts are all frozen. All I have is what I was able to withdraw beforehand._

_And how much is that?_

We open our bag.

_I can give you this much._

_Sorry, I don't trade in spare change._

_From what I hear, you don't_ trade _at all. I know what you do for a living. Yes, I've done my research. I'm from the Core; that doesn't mean I'm stupid. This much platinum will keep you supplied for a very long time._

He thinks. We stare the "had enough of the incompetent desk staff" stare. We wait. He squirms, drops his own bag, grabs ours.

_Just between us... I hope you find her. Best to go out stabbing at the beast, right?_

Maybe a little goodness, then.

_I don't intend to go out at all. Not for a long time._

* * *

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
HIGH URGENCY  
From: C. Mathias  
To: All staff  
Subject: VIP guests  
Date: October 5, 2516

The Parliamentary Special Appropriations Committee will be making a visit to our facility at 08:00 next Monday. All of you are to extend them the utmost courtesy. These eight people directly control our funding, so it is imperative that everything go smoothly.

I expect them to view or meet with every single one of our students. When these eight men and women voted to create this facility, they knew exactly the kind of work that would go on inside it. We should sugarcoat nothing, but we also need to avoid the appearance that we have anything less than total control over what goes on inside our walls. Even the food needs to be the best we can offer.

I apologize for the short notice, but I only received word of this an hour ago myself.

-

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
From: T. Jamison  
To: C. Mathias  
Subject: Re: VIP guests  
Date: October 5, 2516

Are you sure this is a good idea? Allowing the Committee in a room with certain students - especially River Tam - doesn't seem particularly wise to me. Every one of these people has a security clearance higher than almost anybody else on any planet. They know things that would get other people - even lower-ranking Members of Parliament - killed for knowing.

Of course, I would be prepared and willing to give them the full tour this afternoon if you wanted me to. I just want to be sure you know what you're doing.

-

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
From: C. Mathias  
To: T. Jamison  
Subject: Re: VIP guests  
Date: October 5, 2516

Of course I do. And even if I had no idea whatsoever of the potential ramifications of this visit, it would not be my choice. These people want to see River Tam. Their representative even asked about her specifically, though not by name.

You should know that I would have chosen to show them River even if they had not requested the full tour. Your reports indicate that despite her issues, her progress has been beyond compare. She is the best we have to offer, and they deserve nothing less.

There are other considerations, as well: somebody with even higher clearance than our newest guests has already visited our facility, and there were no adverse reactions among the subjects. You were not informed of this specifically because of the visitor's high clearance, and I cannot say any more without committing treason.

Please feel free to question my own decisions, as long as you do so respectfully. Question my parentage, my language, and even the ties my wife keeps sending me, but I cannot guarantee your future here if you continue to question the wisdom of the decisions I do not make.

* * *

The pattern continues, pre-ordained. But who does the ordaining? Not suns, not planets, not seasons. Not me.

I am subject to others.

I have a name when I rebel. They have titles when they behave. The system is inconsistent.

Mathias is coming, with his title and his memory and his eight Parliamentarians lined up like ducks. One little, two little, three little old men who don't think they're old. In the room they come and go, but Michelangelo is nowhere to be seen.

First killed a man to be sure he'd get elected. Made it look like an accident, made a grand speech at the funeral and spat on the flowers the widow left at the grave.

_I'm so sorry about your husband, Mrs. Sykora. If there's anything I can do to help..._

_Thank you, but you've done so much already. I don't know what I'm going to do with all the food you sent us._

_Eat it, of course; it was the least I could do. I was really looking forward to running against him._

Second is clean, the token freshman, and I bask for a moment in idealism and light. Not enough stars for the night on this moon, even, and forget about Parliament's chambers. (I miss the stars. Going to look out at them again and listen to the music of the spheres if it kills me to do it. But true light is always rare, always good.) He won't be re-elected.

_What are you talking about? Of course I'm not voting for it. Well, for one, it's a violation of their human rights. They live on the Rim. Doesn't mean they're not human... Yes, they went to war with us. They had good reasons. But the war is over now and there's no reason to punish them. They've been punished enough already._

Third is full of knots, of tangles, of webs and I want to reach up and untangle him. Reach into his brain like hands and voices in this one and straighten them out until I can see. Born politician.

_You want to send more Pescaline-D to Regina? Certainly, I'll vote for it. But you'll need to explain to me why I should do it. Such a shame. Bowden's is such a nasty disease._

Four, five, six little old men and a woman. Not physically old but it's in the job description.

Fourth. No good in his world. No righteousness in the people he sees, and he sees no righteousness in the people who meet him. Closes his eyes to what's in front of him. No blame to be had in that. He's in the right company here.

_Look, I don't know what your angle is but I'm going to keep a close eye on you. Maybe you have your little constituents fooled, maybe they think you're worthy of the pedestal they put you on, but I'm going to catch you. And when I do..._

Five is bored. How luxurious of her. Wants to get back to real work that will affect lots of people. I'm nobody. Who are you? She isn't nobody. Or at least she thinks so.

_If we approve the creation of this facility, we will make people into our tools without their consent. At least our current operatives volunteer. At least they have a general idea of what they are getting into when they sacrifice their former identities to us._

Six is impressed. Doesn't have children but if she did they'd be show pets. Not people. Like me.

_You'll never guess what I saw the other day, but I can't tell you what it was. Oh, well!_

Seven little, eight little parliamentarians. All lined up like schoolchildren on an excursion. Do you wear a name tag?

Seven stands confidently. Isn't tall, but holds himself like he's the biggest in the room.

_What do you do when you're not here, Daddy?_

_Well. That's a good question. You know I'm in Parliament._

_Yes._

_That means I have to spend a lot of time working with people. I listen to people make speeches, sometimes I talk myself, and I learn about things and help decide what needs to be done to fix the universe's problems._

_Sounds boring._

_Sometimes it is. But when I go out into the worlds and see the effects of what we decide, I'm as far from being bored as I can be._

Eight. The oldest. Covered in laugh lines, but not all laughter is in fun. On his sixth term. He's well-respected, the longest-serving member of Parliament since Yao dropped dead ten years ago. Not an idealist; that's impossible after so long. Went in to clean the cesspool of corruption and realized he liked the water just how it was.

Voting for the Academy was like voting for...

A man, with muscles stronger than they look and dark skin and hair that would be wild if he had any, talks. Describes a planet, a failed terraform. He wants to make it not a failure anymore.

Wants to make the survivors _(they aren't technically survivors anymore)_ into a tool _(nor are they truly men)._

Frozen figure of light behind him. What did the woman say? Remember.

_Thirty million people here... a tenth of a percent... beyond madness._

_(They can become our allies if we prove ourselves capable of controlling them.)_

Light unfreezes. He gasps, looks away. River and the light particles scream until they are shut down.

It takes much longer for River than it does for the doctor. Can unplug light, can't unplug flesh and bone and nerves.

* * *

**October 28, 2516**

**Diary Entry: R. Tam**

Shouting and shouting and nobody hears. Space is soundproof, time isn't. He read the letters she hid. He has to do something more, do something right and get keys to these cuffs!

* * *

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
HIGH URGENCY  
From: D. Wei  
To: C. Mathias  
CC: T. Jamison  
Subject: What do you make of this?  
Date: October 28, 2516  
Attachment: RTAM-28102516.diary

While going through student diaries today, I found the attached journal entry, written by River Tam. Upon reading it, I took the liberty of examining the correspondence she has been sending (or attempting to send) to her brother.

She has been inserting codes in her letters for well over a year now. I share some of the blame: her first code - the letter dated July 21 of last year - was one I approved for sending. She mentions "something missing" in between two poetry references, and the line that is missing is "I am formulated, sprawling on a pin."

Others were more subtle: in her letter dated September 8 of last year, the initial letters of each sentence spell out "Hurting us. Help me."

The most disturbing facet of this development is that even River's later letters - the ones that should obviously have been destroyed - were instead saved outside our network. The only person who had the opportunity to do this is Ian Lang.

I await your instructions.

* * *

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
HIGH URGENCY  
From: C. Mathias  
To: All staff  
Subject: Urgent security update  
Date: October 28, 2516

Effective immediately, Ian Lang's employment at this facility has been terminated. If you see him, you are to restrain him if possible and inform security at once.

There is compelling evidence that Lang has been responsible for a security breach at the company. As a result, we will also need to re-examine and improve our security measures once Lang is safely apprehended.

Also effective immediately, Dao-Ming Wei will take over Lang's former duties.

-

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
From: T. Jamison  
To: C. Mathias  
Subject: Re: Urgent security update  
Date: October 28, 2516

When are we going to be surprised when River _doesn't_ do something like this, and not when she _does?_

-

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
From: C. Mathias  
To: T. Jamison  
Subject: Re: Urgent security update  
Date: October 28, 2516

That's a question that I will expect you to answer at our next meeting.

I am going to ignore your tone for two reasons: we cannot afford to lose another employee so soon, and you had the intelligence to avoid selecting "Reply to All" when sending your reply.

* * *

Need to know more.

Need to forget.

Have to pick one or be paralyzed. To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. One need shoves me one way, the other pushes against it, and they put sparks out into space.

How can I choose without moving? The same way you know without seeing? I'm frozen. It's the ninth circle here, and I can't move. Who did I tempt? Who did I betray?

Like coming here. Was thinking about testing out of Gen Ed, but didn't want to be the smallest mouse out of the mountain. Would have been a dozen years younger than anyone. Would have been treated like a child. But Gen Ed had nothing to offer that I didn't already have.

_Maybe you should find a third path,_ Father said. Used to say all the time. Probably still says, just not to me.

The recruiter waiting at school that day was the third path. Followed the road and it led to a chair and too many secrets too big to think about.

Need a third path here.

Can't know more.

Can't forget, not entirely.

I'll have to fight.

* * *

PROGRESS REPORT - ENCRYPTED  
Subject: R. Tam  
Session: 411  
Date: November 9, 2516  
Filed by: T. Jamison  
RT-SESS411-09112516-AT.transcript

Today was the first day in nearly a year and a half that River has baffled me entirely. Usually I can pluck at least a few pieces of understanding out of her words. On her bad days, I can at least understand that she is experiencing another person's identity. Even when she wouldn't say anything, her silence in itself was a message.

She said exactly seven words to me in the time we spent together. Two of them were in a language I don't understand, though I would be surprised if she did. I ran the audio of the words through the translation programs: they are in Greek. "Molon labe," she said. The programs all translated it as "Come take them," but something has to be wrong with that, because it makes absolutely no sense for her to say that. What does she have anymore to take? I'll have to send a message to Doctor Wei to find out if she may have any idea what River is talking about.

The other words she said were in English, though once again, they make no sense in context. When I took her into the room, she sat and stared at me for a moment, then said "unarmed, this time." She couldn't have been referring to the sedative injector I keep for emergencies - it's the only thing I carry here that could qualify as a weapon, and it was full and ready for use.

She broke into the Greek not long afterward, and was silent the rest of the time. She stared, as if she were waiting for me to do something.

As we left, she asked me "not today?" It was certainly a question and not a declarative statement.

I asked her what she meant, and she gave me another stare. I think she honestly expected me to understand.

Suggested actions based on this session:  
-Message Dr. Wei re: Greek and translations  
-This is a fairly drastic behavioral change. Try to get to its source, if it has one.  
-Find out who here knows Greek anyway? Her records indicate she's never studied it. It's a dead language. How in the sweaty armpit of Hell could she have learned that phrase?

* * *

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
From: D. Wei  
To: T. Jamison  
Subject: Re: Need a culture check  
Date: November 10, 2516

If I were you, Dr. Jamison, I'd be preparing for a fight. "Molōn labe" is what King Leonidas of the Spartans (an ancient culture on Earth-That-Was) said when his opponents demanded that his army drop its weapons. If it's any comfort, the Spartans lost the battle.

As to your other question: One of the guests Dr. Mathias brought in last week is quite the amateur scholar of history. We had the chance to talk over lunch the day they were here, in fact. He got to see River, so she would have had opportunity to read him. We were talking about ancient times at lunch; perhaps he would have had Thermopylae on his mind as a result.

As always, let me know if you have any further questions. It gets boring when there aren't any new curricula to create.

* * *

Not today. Need to wait for the right moment. Need to wait for the stars to look right, but I can't see the stars so I have to look some other way.

Hold your sword and wait.

* * *

INTERNAL COMMUNIQUE - ENCRYPTED  
HIGH URGENCY  
From: T. Jamison  
To: C. Mathias  
Subject: A request  
Date: November 12, 2516

I seem to have caught that influenza virus that's been going around since the last supply shipment. I got some antivirals from the infirmary, but I'll still be contagious for the next twenty-four hours.

You've been wanting to interact more with River, and you're qualified to do it, so, if you would like to, would you mind taking over River's session tomorrow morning? If not, I can pass it on to Dr. Marcus as I have done with the rest of my schedule.

* * *

PROGRESS REPORT - ENCRYPTED  
Subject: R. Tam  
Session: 415  
Date: November 13, 2516  
Filed by: C. Mathias  
RT-SESS415-13112516-AT.transcript

This is my first session with R. Tam since July, and she has changed quite dramatically since then.

In July, she was loud. Judging from Dr. Jamison's previous reports, she has been loud for most of the duration of her time here. In July, she tried to throw her chair at me. When she found it fastened to the floor, she tried to upend the table. This change is by all accounts recent, and I want to find out what has caused it.

Today she sat quietly and asked why I was here. I explained that Dr. Jamison was sick, and she nodded, smiled, and informed me that he would be here soon.

Her psychic abilities seem to have spiked, but we need to improve her control of them. If she continues to read everyone around her indiscriminately and react immediately to those thoughts, she will be of no use to us.

We need to be able to prove to the people who fund us that we are, in fact, creating powerful weapons instead of insane people.

Suggested actions based on this session:  
-Take over River's care from Jamison so I can take a more active role in how she is shaped.  
-Have her spend more time outside the chair so that she can interact more with the outside world.

* * *

He wants Jamison gone. He wants Jamison gone and me to be normal. Not myself, but normal. He likes to think he knows what _normal_ is.

Normal has to be an improvement over this. Already not myself, can't go back. Time machines are impossible, and if they were you could never go to the same past twice.

You can never stand in the same River twice, either.

Time to prove myself. Time to stop waiting. It could never have been _then,_ can only be _now._

Don't have a sword, but can get something stronger.

* * *

_How did your session with Doctor Mathias go?_

_He gave me a mission._

_Really? Did he... tell you your mission out loud, or did you just hear it?_

I just hear lots of things. See them, too, and you don't want to hear it.

_He plays hide and seek with me._

_Doctor Mathias?_

That doctor won't find me. Doesn't want to find me. Wants a new me, bury the old one alive like a nightmare and forget her. Can't hide from him. Don't want to hide from Simon.

_My brother... is a doctor. He thinks he can find me, but... I'm deep down, and I do not make a sound._

_River, what mission did Doctor Mathias give you?_

_I can't tell you._

Telling would ruin it. Like a Christmas present.

_You can tell me anything; you know that._

Sword swings in his hand like it's held by a thread. Wait for it, River.

Hold a hand out, peaceably. Gently. They let you keep gentleness when you need it. Won't need it in a minute.

_Can't... tell. I'll have to write it down._

And I accomplish my first mission.

_I can see you._

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings: This deals fairly heavily with River's time at the Academy, so there's all sorts of nonconsensual medical stuff going on, though it's not particularly graphic. There's also an incident of workplace sexual harassment as told from River's perspective, though she's not the one being harassed.


End file.
